Silent Standards: How to Break Free From Other People’s Expectations
Romans 12:2 (NIV): “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
People often have expectations for your life and what you should do with it based on their own beliefs, views, morals, and values. They might think they know what’s best for you, but it’s important to remember that your life is yours to live. God called you to do something that is specifically unique to the plan He has for your life.
What Are Expectations?
Expectations are beliefs or assumptions about how you should behave or what you should achieve. Examples of expectations people might have for you include:
- Career: People might expect you to pursue a certain profession or achieve a particular level of success.
- Education: Others might expect you to attain a specific degree or perform well academically.
- Lifestyle: There could be expectations about how you should live, such as owning a home, getting married, or starting a family.
- Behavior: People might expect you to act in a certain way, or follow certain traditions.
- Values: There may be expectations for you to uphold certain beliefs or values that align with those of your family, culture, or community.
Hidden Expectations
In addition to the expectations people have of you, these expectations are often hidden, meaning they aren’t communicated directly. Someone might have a way they want you to act or something they want you to do, but they don’t verbalize or express it. Hidden expectations can arise because people assume you should just know what they want, or they might fear confrontation or rejection. They might also be trying to avoid disappointment if their expectations aren’t met. This can create misunderstandings and unnecessary pressure, as you’re left guessing what others expect from you.
What Happens When You Don’t Meet People’s Expectations?
Criticism: When you don’t meet their expectations, criticism often follows. They might tell you that you’re doing something wrong and suggest what they think you should be doing, usually based on their own standards and experiences. Essentially, they want you to be more like them, implying that being yourself is wrong. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration, as you’re constantly measured against someone else’s ideals instead of being appreciated for who you are.
Avoidance: Distance often follows when you don’t meet their expectations. They may not directly express their disappointment, but you can sense it. They might text you less, stop answering your calls, or respond with passive aggressiveness. This silent treatment creates a confusing and uncomfortable dynamic, leaving you unsure of what went wrong. The lack of direct communication prevents resolving the underlying issue, straining the relationship. Over time, this avoidance can destroy trust and connection, making it difficult to maintain a healthy, open relationship. Recognizing these signs and addressing them openly is crucial to prevent further misunderstandings and build a more supportive relationship.
In addition, not meeting expectations can lead to disappointment and increased pressure through manipulation or guilt to conform. Over time, unmet expectations can breed resentment and strain the relationship. They might withdraw emotionally, leaving you feeling abandoned. Ultimately, this can lead to arguments and conflict, making it difficult to maintain harmony and often causing the relationship to end.
Reasons Behind People’s Expectations
Personal Insecurity and Self-Esteem Issues: They try to hide their own insecurities by projecting them onto you, making you feel inadequate to cover their own feelings of inferiority.
Pride: Their pride makes them believe that their actions and achievements are superior to those of others, creating a sense of arrogance.
Control Issues: They focus on what others are doing and get upset when they cannot control your actions, revealing their need for dominance and power over others.
Anger Issues: Their unresolved anger leads to holding grudges for extended periods, causing lasting resentment and hostility in relationships.
Perception Blindness: They are so busy pointing out what others do wrong that they fail to see their own mistakes, creating a cycle of blame and denial.
How to Overcome Expectations of Other People
1. Free Yourself From Expectations
You belong to Christ and should not be enslaved by others’ expectations. Trust in God’s plan for your life, and focus on fulfilling His unique purpose for you. Seek His approval above all else, and find peace in knowing that you are living according to His will. Embrace the freedom that comes from serving the Lord and let go of the pressure to conform to the standards set by others.
1 Corinthians 7:23: “You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of human beings.”
Proverbs 29:25: “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.”
2. Stand Firm Against Criticism
Expect criticism for following God’s path and find joy in the rewards of staying true to His calling. Lean on His strength to remain steadfast in your faith, and let His love and guidance be your foundation. When faced with criticism, use it as an opportunity to grow and reaffirm your commitment to God’s purpose for your life. Trust that His approval is the ultimate affirmation, and continue to walk confidently in the path He has set for you.
Matthew 5:11-12: “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven.”
2 Timothy 1:7: “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”
3. Choose God, Not People
Prioritize seeking God’s approval over meeting the expectations of others. Trust in His wisdom and guidance, knowing that His plan for your life is perfect and tailored just for you. When you choose to follow God, you free yourself from the pressures of conforming to human standards. Let your actions reflect your faith, and find peace and fulfillment in living according to His will. Remember that God’s love and acceptance are unconditional, providing you with the strength and courage to stay true to your divine purpose.
Galatians 1:10: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
Colossians 3:23-24: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”
